Even my head tries to deny that I've been changed. I didn't want to believe that a conference could change me. And the truth is, God changed me. I wanted to be strong. But Oh Most High, he wrenches and pulls with the strongest of force that not even my wicked sin could stand up to. There's something new inside of me, but not of me, like a voice constantly calling me back to the cross. Everyday i never cease to be reminded of my sin, and then blessed by His grace when i repent and therefore have no more condemnation. I finally believe that to be forgiven and loved isn't just a one-time deal when one accepts Christ- its a daily, actually-hourly (if thats a word), minute-by-minute THING- because i don't know what to call it.... how can you put a name to God's Amazing Grace.
If you were listening to C.J.'s last message- i can tell you now, that message was definitely made for me. I really need to learn to talk to myself, and stop listening to myself, for the past..well at least 2/3 years i've been listening to myself and trying to guide myself through a "relationship" with Jesus Christ- and now i know that that never works... It wasn't even a relationship... I gave God attention when i wanted to, when i felt like it... not realizing that He must be the center. I was truly spiritually dead... lost, it was that winter season in my life that C.J. was talking about. He really described every detail of my life for the past couple years.
Just a side note, i've started blogging again because i've come to the sure & true realization that, when i write, i become more honest with myself, it's a way of not always bottling up whats in my heart, without being so abrupt about it. Blogging helps me to assess my own heart, and all the while, maybe help somebody else who may be going through a similar situation.
I finally feel that spark that i've always wanted. A real hunger for his word, even though i still find it incredibly difficult to read my bible every day. Even when i don't read my bible, i'm still reminded that i should, whereas in the past, it never even crossed my mind.
Anyway,
I'm gonna try and not burden myself with long blog entries. Just short ones, to let you know whats on my mind.
Psalm 42
Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?
To the choirmaster. A Maskil ofA)">(A) the Sons of Korah.
"1B)">(B) As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2C)">(C) My soul thirsts for God,
for
D)">(D) the living God.
When shall I come and
E)">(E) appear before God?
3F)">(F) My tears have been my food
day and night,
G)">(G) while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
4These things I remember,
as I
H)">(H) pour out my soul:
I)">(I) how I would go
J)">(J) with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
K)">(K) a multitude keeping festival.
5L)">(L) Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are youM)">(M) in turmoil within me?
N)">(N) Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation 6and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore IO)">(O) remember you
P)">(P) from the land of Jordan and ofQ)">(Q) Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
R)">(R) all your breakers and yourS)">(S) waves
have gone over me.
8By day the LORDT)">(T) commands his steadfast love,
and atU)">(U) night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9I say to God,V)">(V) my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
W)">(W) Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
X)">(X) while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
11Y)">(Y) Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God."
Courtney
